Unknown Sadness

For an unknown reason, I feel sad these past few days that's why I haven't been posting sensible entries (naks!). It may be because of a very sad news my mom relayed to me yesterday morning or it may be because of the stressful days I'm having lately. Anyway, I want to de-stress. I want to have a 2 hour massage and a facial treatment since zits are crowding my face. I have never had too many pimples like this and my back is also affected by the zit plague. LOL. I am treating the zits as a serious matter.

See, a month ago, I tried on taking pills just for the heck of it. However, I could not bear the side effects because I easily get irritated so I stopped after the 3rd pill because I do not want to jeopardize my job (I fear that I might spank a child haha). So when I stopped taking the pills, zits came out of nowhere. And I don't mean regular zits, they're cystic pimples! (Pam, correct me if I used the wrong term here) It's kinda depressing. And I am still sad. I miss talking on the phone for hours I wish BFF will call me soon.

Geek Alert!

I arrived in Davao City at 2pm today and here I am, in front of the pc again. Dang, I am such a geek! But let me rant over something first.

1. When I arrived at the terminal, the van was about to leave because they are only waiting for one passenger and that was me. Fat luck right? So since I was the last one to board the van, I was separated with my overnight bag. I didn't care about it though. However, when we arrived at the terminal, I found out that the two kids we're with vomitted at my bag. WTF! And the mother did not even bother to clean up the mess. So naturally, I was cursing while the driver cleaned up my bag. What a disaster.

2. So the bag problem got solved and I went to SM (actually the drop off is at SM) for a quick tour. When I entered the mall, I heard someone called "Hi Mrs. Cord!" I was close to being shocked and looked for the person calling me. He turned out to be Cord's varsity teammate back in college. I was speechless when he approached me. Unsurprisingly, he saw the pictures too and asked me if we got back together. I laughed and said no. I wish no one would call me like that again because it's not funny. I realized that people still associate me with that man from the past. Duh.

3. Back in the van, there were three ladies talking about Barrack Obama's inauguration. I was amused listening to them because they were all so gaga over Obama. I am a democrat as I have said before but I don't really indulge myself with such fanaticism over a politician who won't even run our country. Haha! For me that's too much. Don't get me wrong, I admire Obama but not to the extent that I talk about him like those three ladies in the van. They were saying things like...

W1: Grabe ang bait bait talaga ni Obama.
(Obama's a very kind person.)
How does she know that? Is she rubbing elbows with the American president? LOL.

W2: Yung asawa niya fashionista yon, hindi basta basta.
(His wife is into fashion so she shouldn't be underestimated.)
What's the connection?

Aren't they funny? Haha! Well, there goes my rant for today while I am waiting for my nephew to fetch me here. I have a date tonight, yey! Wish me luck!

Some Random Thoughts

It's a Tuesday but it feels like a Friday to me. I did not do much in school today since I was busy reviewing the kids for their periodical exam next week. Did I say I'm lazy to teach? I had a conversation with a co-teacher this morning and we both share the same sentiment -we are lazy to teach. Nothing has inspired me so far (or no one in particular). I need inspiration! Hahaha. But I do have a crush on someone. He's a cutie and a techie as well. I have to make up something with this computer so that I can avail of his services. Hahaha. Kidding!

I am trying to change the blog layout for my other site this afternoon and I could not come up with a fixed decision as to what layout I should be using. It's quite a complicated world for blogging and I am making it even more complicated for me. I have kinda decided to make my own blog header to make it more personalized. Whatever I can come up with, I am thrilled. But I am still lazy.

Aside from being lazy, I am in a crappy mood today so instead of whining and posting something that I will regret in the future, I think I have to stop my post now. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. And I miss talking to G. All we do now is email and send offline messages which is crap. LOL. Enough whining already!

Do You Hold A Grudge?

I know some of my readers are clueless about what's bugging me lately. As much as I want to divulge the current events of my life, I'd rather not because I might say something that I'll regret in the future. So there. To give a hint about the "matter" let's say it has something to do with losing my best friend and the same person I really value and care most. Anyway, I'm okay. Really, thanks for the concern and care.

Thanks to Pam for the comfort foods (peanut kisses, biscocho, chocolates and butterscotch - although these are for the kids, lol) and for just listening to my rants. Thanks Karen for the calls. Thanks Laise for the laughs. You're the only people who know what really happened to me. Thanks.

Anyway, I'm not holding a grudge even if I really want to. Maybe I'm too forgiving that's why some people abuse me. But the hell I care. When I retaliate, I retaliate hard.

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

Iiyak Mo Yan (Cry It Out)

I was down in the dumps yesterday, I could not concentrate on my job so I kept on bugging my co-teacher to cheer me up. Madness. There was one point when I was calling my BFF because I was about to lose my mind. And well, everyone said only one thing and that is for me to cry it out.

I had a hard time crying for some reason that I could not explain myself. But last night, finally, I was able to belt it all out. The kids are asleep and I was about to sleep when buckets of tears fell. It was a good feeling. Better than what I felt the whole day. I cried. For ten minutes or so, I just bawled. And I still think that it was great.

I am okay now, I'm back on my knees. Ms. Goody Teacher is once again inspired to teach. I think I handled the dilemma with grace and poise. I am still bugging my co-teacher but not as often as yesterday. And I can now smile. I have to work on some things worthy of my time.

For my lurkers, click this sentence to know what happened to me yesterday.

~~~~~~~
I noticed that I am getting quite a number of new "regulars" who read my blog. It's flattering really, and thanks. For the haters who read my misfortunes, may the good Lord bless you. For my relatives who visit, thanks. And whatever you read here, don't tell my mom. Hahaha. For my new found friends, old friends, old lurkers, thanks for the traffic and care. Hehe.

Now let's get 2009 rolling!

Classroom Fight

This is my 200th post.

I feel terrible today. This morning was a disaster.

It's our school's first periodical examination today and when I was proctoring my class, a girl cried and shouted at the top of her lungs. She threw the worst tantrum I have ever seen in my life. She was shouting, "Ayoko na! Ayaw ko na mag exam!" and "Sumbungin kita sa Mommy ko! Di ko alam kung ano ang sagot dito!"

As a teacher, I know that every child is unique and has different characteristics. However, this morning, I was at my wits end. The rest of my pupils were distracted by the screams and wails of that kid. God knows how I really really really want to punch her and throw her outside the classroom. I kind of shouted at her and told her that her actuations are not acceptable inside my classroom but it got me to no avail. She only screamed louder which made me feel very frustrated. Instead of attending to that pupil's tantrums, I tried very hard to keep my cool and said a little prayer:

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.

I think I was about to cry with my frustration to make that kid behave properly. So when everyone finished their exam, I asked that pupil not to go home for a serious talk and that made her scream, jump, shout and even curse at me. Everything's so physically draining. Not knowing what to do next, I hugged the girl and wiped her tears. Somehow, the mother instinct in me succeeded in dealing with the ordeal. My pupil stopped her tantrums right there and then, and I felt my tears streaming down my face, with guilt perhaps because I shouted at her. The girl eventually answered her examination papers, smiled and said goodbye at me when she finished.

I didn't mean to be overly mellow dramatic today but this incident somehow made me feel humane. I realized that I could control my anger and that the power of a 14 word prayer is very effective. I still feel drained at this moment but I also feel good about myself.

thinking thinking, angry angry

1. I will be very busy this week. Have to go to Davao on Thursday to submit our final layout for the yearbook but we still haven't finished them until now. Bahala na si batman. I hope our trip will be postponed so that I can attend my friend's birthday celebration on Friday. I miss her company.
2. I have two ultimate plans for this year. They're kinda simple but I want to accomplish them no matter what. First, I want to donate blood at least once. Second, I want to go and visit Iligan City again. I so miss Iligan's waterfalls and lifestyle I really wanna go back there....with Aloy this time so that he can meet his relatives there.

A Tale of Two MGs

The author of this blog with Mohd, Pam and Iman in one of our dinners together.

MG (noun) - [As much as i want to state its real meaning here, I can't because I might be bombarded with negative reactions from my faithful readers.]

Get to know our two MGs Mohd and Iman. They're our knights in shining armors, constant dates, shock absorbers, brothers, faux lovers, financers, friends, critics, advisers, and chatmates cum textmates. Pam and I love them and I’ll tell you why.

Meet Mohd.

I’ve known him since third grade, we weren’t close friends yet because he was very quiet at that time, shy type daw. He came out of his cocoon during high school and then became the class clown. I like his company because he makes me laugh and we can talk about anything under the sun. he gives a good massage for a scoliotic me. He’s very boastful whenever he has money but always ends up losing everything because we force him to treat us to a posh restaurant. He’s very family oriented and a very good son and brother. What I like about him is the way he treats women with utmost respect. I always tell him that his mother did a great job in raising him. Despite living in a broken family, you can never hear any hint of bitterness whenever he talks about his father.

Meet Iman.

He’s my classmate during our high school years. We were close at that time because we were seatmates for four years and we once became weekend bike buddies when we were in first year high school. Our friendship grew deeper when we were in Iligan and studied at MSUIIT. Though we lived our own lives there, we saw to it that we get together as often as we can to catch up on each other’s activities. He’s always been supportive of my decisions in life, from shifting courses - to leaving my boarding house for a dormitory – to getting pregnant. He’s not physically there but he emailed, called and texted me to let me know he’s there. We’re like a family.

Most of you might be wondering why I’m wasting my time and energy posting about them here, hehe. Well, the two of them will be leaving soon. Mohd’s going to Qatar to work, he’s going to be one of the engineers who’ll build a 60something storey building there and I’m beaming with pride. Iman, on the other hand, will go to London to be with his wife (ex) and daughter, Alaisha Isabella. He doesn’t know when he’ll be back or if he’s staying there for good.

Bottom line, it saddens me to temporarily lose these two gentlemen. We’ve been eating dinner everyday for more than two months now and it’s like a habit already. Call me clingy but the two of them are my hatid-sundo in school especially when I go home late from class. ^_^ In fact, Mohd fetched me from the salon and drove me to the venue during our graduation ball and Iman cam to rescue me from an ex of mine who offered me a ride home that same night. Isn’t that sweet? He was already sleeping when I called him but he never hesitated to fetch me (and he even complimented me with the way I looked that night). And now that I think of it, I remember that it was also the two of them who fetched me from home and asked my parents’ permission after our graduation day in high school for an eating spree.

Sure I’ll miss our long talks about our lives, dreams, plans and frustrations.

Sure I’ll miss their words of comfort when I feel down.

I’ll miss our dinners together, especially the free ride home.

I’ll miss the laughter, songs and sentimental moments.

Most especially, I’ll miss these two people behind all these.

But our friendship is beyond skin deep and this phase in our lives are needed for us to grow. Besides, the technology we have today won’t make it hard for us to communicate as often as we want to.

Good luck Mohd and Iman! Kitakits sa YM Conference!

pakisabi lang

Bottom line, I do not deny that I have kids from different men.

Bottom line, I do not hide my kids.

Bottom line, I am proud of myself for standing up once again after a very bad fall.

So keep your mouth shut and don't think that what you're spreading around will not reach me.
Keep your mouth shut if you don't want me to say something about your daughter.
If you think that I am a dirty woman, ano na lang ang anak mo?
I've tried to understand you all this time, but now I've had enough.
You're saying that I am my mother's karma?
Ang karma, una-unahan lang yan.

At least when I got pregnant I know who the father is. Your daughter's lucky she has a problem with her reproductive system.
Auntie pa man din ang tawag ko sayo.

(Pakisabi lang)

house.tree.person

Back in Iligan, I had a dorm mate who was a psych major and since I was a froshie at that time, she made me her guinea pig. She let me drew things and showed me pictures and have them interpreted by me. I had fun because I got to know myself better, especially my insecurities.

Now, I want myself to be assessed by someone in the know with this thing. I’m posting my drawing of a house, tree and a person and I want someone to interpret these drawings for me.

P.S.

Please don’t laugh at my artwork. I think it’s superb. LOL

ARGH

Hay! These past few days I got entangled in a controversy regarding my internship. Ang nagagawa nga naman ng chismis. Yesterday, I was on the verge of strangling this co-intern of mine who's spreading nasty and untrue rumors about me and Mr. Pogi. Apparently, Mr. Pogi heard a different version of the story so he got disappointed at me. Argh! My co-intern is into this demolition job and I won't allow her to ruin my name to our supervisors and critic teachers.

God give me patience.

argh

Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head
down and plow ahead.

I feel sad today. I'm disappointed with my performance and my critic is also disappointed with me. We talked and he told me that he's been looking for me the whole morning but he didn't find me. What happened was that I went to the kindergarten rooms to check on my friends if they have eaten their merienda, it turned out that they're having a hard time with the kids because they have to check each one of them from time to time. What I did was I volunteered to assist them without asking permission from my critic. I know I'm wrong, but my intentions were good. And Sir was really pissed off this morning, I was about to cry when I apologized.

In moments like this, I just think of my kids and I feel good again. People may judge me but at least I have three bundles who look up to me.

Oh everything's gonna be okay.

jobless. loathing. worrying. etc.

1. I am now jobless. I had to resign from my tutorial job because I have my internship this sem. I am jobless. I should kiss away my capricious wants for at least 6 months.
2. I hate DOMs. I visited a friend's house the other day and a very untoward incident happened to me that I have to ask a friend to fetch me from there. A DOM was smitten by the friend who fetched me and the he keeps on calling me and asking me to hook them up. For chrissake I said NO. He showed me a bagful of money that he can give me and my friend and that's where I freaked out and told him: "Kahit ilang milyon pa ang ibigay mo, hinding-hindi papatol sayo ang kaibigan ko dahil mas mayaman pa sya sayo." The DOM stopped calling me after that. Thank God.
3. I was elected president of our internship group the other day too. 'Course I felt elated but I didn't know that I have a lot of responsibilities with my groupmates. One, I will always be their spokesperson. Two, I will assist them with their lesson planning. Three, I will be the one to text all 30+ of them when needed (e.g. announcements). Fourth, I will have to make a speech during our Sending Off ceremony to present our group. The gravity of my third responsibility is not that heavy but if you know me, I always have no load. And I'm BEST IN KATAMARAN when it comes to texting. So goodluck to me. LOL.
4. I miss my kids. I leave the house at 6:30am so that I won't be late for my 7am class and I go home at 8pm because I still have to attend my tutorial class at night. Argh.
5. I really hate that DOM.

guilty. mom. love.

I went home very late last night because my high school friends and I had a night out. 'Twas not really a night out, tambay lang sa bahay nila Bea and when we checked the time, 11:30 na pala.

My mom opened the door for me when I got home and I was expecting her to scold me for going home late but she didn't. Despite the heartaches I've given her, my mom still trusts me. I really don't feel worthy to be her daughter and it's a shame that I abuse her kindness and understanding.

I love you mama. No matter what our issues are, I will die fighting for you. I love you mama. Wish I have the courage to tell you that in person.

Of course I'm hurt!

A friend told me this afternoon that an ex of mine is getting married next year.
Last month, Cord's sister told me that her kuya (Aloy's Dad = Cord) is planning to get marry next year too.

For a minute or so, I felt sad. But realization comes back and all I can do is be happy for them. I am happy for them, there's no hypocrisy in that. It's just that my friends tell me things that's so iritating. Things like...

1. Sana kung nakapaghintay ka, kayo sana ang ikakasal.
2. Anong na feel mo? Imposible hindi ka nasaktan.
3. Masakit ba Mars?
4. Bakit di ka nya pinakasalan nung nabuntis ka?

Gawd it's so iritating! I mean, isn't it a given already that an ex girlfriend, who's single, will feel sad when she learns that her ex (one who happens to father her child) is getting married to another woman?

So I have to admit that I felt sad for a while, but I saw these things coming and I've prepared myself for this. I'm happy with my kids and I always tell myself that if I regret something in my past, it also means that I regret giving birth to three wonderful children.

And no, OH NO, that will never happen. Everything happens for a REASON, and I know that God has better plans for me. I won't do things in haste this time.

my tyke's growing big

Aloy knelt down on his knees, put his hands together in front of his chest, faked a cry and said: "Mama patawarin mo na ako."

Dumbfounded, my brother and I laughed. My brother shook his head and blurted, "Anak ka nga ni Maria." LOL. Aloy's getting bigger, my mom even predicted that he would look like my boyfriend when he turns 10. As for his antics, it must be the tv. It's always the tv you know. When I'm with him, I don't allow him to watch dramas because he really copies the dialogues and gestures of the actor/actress. I don't know anymore what's happening when I'm not around. The yayas neglect him at home and it's quite irritating.

I will be a semi-absentee-mom for the next 5 months because of my internship and other rackets. I have to make this sacrifice for me and my kids. The least I can do now is cook them nutritious meals so that even if I'm not at home, I know that they're all eating healthy foods. Their yayas are lazy to cook, too lazy that they themselves don't eat making "dieting" their excuse. Tsk tsk.

a million thanks to you..

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who greeted me during my birthday. I was really touched although ako na mismo ang nagsabi na i-greet nyo ako. Haha.
Thanks! Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Actually, this year ang pinakamaraming nag-greet sakin. I advertise ba naman ang birthday at magmakaawa na i-greet ako. LOL!

A conversation with a hired killer, and more!

Two days ago, restless and on the verge of crying, I went inside an internet cafe fronting our school. Two guys opened the door for me, they were wearing military uniforms with high powered guns on their sides. Without thinking, I asked them an outrageous question which made one of them jump. The question? Meron ba kayong granada dyan? May papasabugin lang ako. So the conversation started there...

Killer1 (K1): Sinong pasasabugin mo?
ME: Bahay lang, doon lang sa may garahe lang nila itapon yung
granada.
K1: Gusto mo barilin na lang namin? Ano gusto mo, tamaan lang o
patayin?
ME: Ayoko ng baril, granada lang. Parang bomb scare lang sa loob ng
compound nila.
K2: Alam mo mas maganda kung barilin para tumanda. Sabihin mo lang, for
hire man kami.
ME: Ows? Atik ka dyan.
K1: Totoo. Pero hindi kami nagpapa-hire dito sa Cotabato, sa ibang
lugar lang para madali ang pagtakas.
ME: Saang lugar pala kayo hina-hire?
K2: Basta. Kinse mil lang ang bayad, pero kung ikaw libre na tutal
kilala ka naman namin Mars.
(Okay, so I was shocked that they know my name)
ME: Granada na lang kasi. Complicated yan pag barilin pa.
(What the hell was I thinking?!)
K2: Mahirap ang granada. Baril na lang, sino ba yan?
ME: Basta. (sabay labas ng cafe)

I sounded so serious the whole time and I don't know what got me into thinking/scheming such an act. It was soooo not me.

As for the more! part in my title...
Well, yesterday a new yaya applied for a job and because Ate Jo really needs a help with the twins, my mom immediately hired the girl. But before she went inside our house, she asked for a cash advance and my mom almost stumbled with what she said. LOL. Twas so funny. My mom told the girl that she can have her money the next day (today) because she had no money yesterday. But surprise surprise, the girl did not show up this morning (she's a stay-out helper). People are so complex. Tsk tsk, sad.

hush

don't cry mars, don't let that tear escape your eyes.

everything's gonna be okay - just like in the past.

you'll get through this - with flying colors.

you will survive.

hush, mars, don't be sad.

a decision is made

I have decided to be friends with them. I will not be fighting against them. I will not be bitter. They have a pure heart after all.